Regional Homogeneity Analysis, Part II: Processing Pipelines

For regional homogeneity analysis (ReHo), many of the processing steps of FMRI data remain the same: slice-timing correction, coregistration, normalization, and many of the other steps are identical to traditional resting-state analyses. However, the order of the steps can be changed, depending on whatever suits your taste; as with many analysis pipelines, there is no single correct way of doing it, although some ways are more correct than others.

One of the most comprehensive overviews of ReHo processing was done by Maximo et al (2013), where datasets were processed using different types of signal normalization, density analysis, and global signal regression. I don't know what any of those terms mean, but I did understand when they tested how smoothness affected the ReHo results. As ReHo looks at local connectivity within small neighborhoods, spatial smoothing can potentially inflate these correlation statistics by averaging signal together over a large area and artificially increasing the local homogeneity of the signal. Thus, smoothing is typically done after ReHo is applied, although some researchers eschew it altogether.

So, should you smooth? Consider that each functional image already has some smoothness added to it when it comes directly off the scanner, and also that any transformation or movement of the images introduces spatial interpolation as well. Further, not all of this interpolations and inherent smoothness will be exactly the same for each subject. Given this, it makes the most sense to smooth after ReHo has been applied, but also to use a tool such as AFNI's 3dFWHMx to smooth each image to the same level of smoothness; however, if that still doesn't sit well with you, note that the researcher's from the abovementioned paper tried processing pipelines both with and without a smoothing step, and found almost identical results for each analysis stream.

Taken together, most of the steps we used for processing our earlier functional connectivity data are still valid when applied to a ReHo analysis; we still do the basic preprocessing steps, and still run 3dDeconvolve and 3dSynthesize commands to remove confounding motion effects from our data. However, we will only do smoothing after all of these commands have been run, and use 3dFWHMx to do it instead of 3dmerge.

One last consideration is the neighborhood you will use for ReHo. As a local connectivity measure, we can specify how much of the neighborhood we want to test for correlation with each voxel; and the most typical options are using immediate neighbors of 7, 19, or 27 voxels, which can be specified in the 3dReHo command with the -nneigh option. "7" will mean to consider only those neighboring voxels with one face touching; "19" will calculate the time-series correlation with any voxel touching with a face or an edge (e.g., a straight line bordering the current voxel); and "27" will do the analysis for any voxel with an abutting face, edge, or corner (think of it as the test voxel in the center of a Rubik's cube, and that voxel being correlated with every other voxel in the cube).




In the next part, we will go over some important rhetorical questions, along with a video showing how the command is done.

Regional Homogeneity Analysis with 3dReHo, Part 1: Introduction

Learning a new method, such as regional homogeneity analysis, can be quite difficult, and one often asks whether there is an easier, quicker method to become enlightened. Unfortunately, such learning can only be accomplished through large, dense books. Specifically, you should go to the library, check out the largest, heaviest book on regional homogeneity analysis you can find, and then go to the lab of someone smarter than you and threaten to smash their computer with the book unless they do the analysis for you.

If for some reason that isn't an option, the next best way is to read how others have implemented the same analysis; such as me, for example. Just because I haven't published anything on this method, and just because I am learning it for the first time, doesn't mean you should go do something rash, such as try to figure it out on your own. Rather, come along as we attempt to unravel the intriguing mystery of regional homogeneity analysis, and hide from irate postdocs whose computers we have destroyed. In addition to the thrills and danger of finding things out, if you follow all of the steps outlined in this multi-part series, I promise that you will be the first one to learn this technique from a blog. And surely, that must count for something.

With regional homogeneity analysis (or ReHo), researchers ask similar questions as with functional connectivity analysis; however, in the case of ReHo, we correlate the timecourse in one voxel with its immediate neighbors, or with a range of neighbors within a specified radius, instead of using a single voxel or seed region and testing for correlations with every other voxel in the brain, as in standard functional connectivity analysis.

As an analogy, think of ReHo as searching for similarities in the timecourse of the day's temperature between different counties across a country. One area's temperature timecourse will be highly correlated with neighboring counties's temperatures, and the similarity will tend to decrease the further away you go from the county you started in. Functional connectivity analysis, on the other hand, looks at any other county that shows a similar temperature timecourse to the county you are currently in.

Similarly, when ReHo is applied to functional data, we look for differences in local connectivity; that is, whether there are differences in connectivity within small areas or cortical regions. For example, when comparing patient groups to control groups, there may be significantly less or significantly more functional connectivity in anterior and posterior cingulate areas, possibly pointing towards some deficiency or overexcitation of communication within those areas. (Note that any differences found in any brain area with the patient group implies that there is obviously something "wrong" with that particular area compared to the control group, and that the opposite can never be true. While I stand behind this arbitrary judgment one hundred percent, I would also appreciate it if you never quoted me on this.)

As with the preprocessing step of smoothing, ReHo is applied to all voxels simultaneously, and that the corresponding correlation statistic in each voxel quantifies how much it correlates with its neighboring voxels. This correlation statistic is called Kendall's W, and ranges between 0 (no correlation at all between the specified voxel and its neighbors) and 1 (perfect correlation with all neighbors). Once these maps are generated, they can then be normalized and entered into t-tests, producing similar maps that we used with our functional connectivity analysis.

Now that we have covered this technique in outline, in our next post we will move on to the second, more difficult part: Kidnapping a senior research assistant and forcing him to do the analysis for us.

No, wait! What I meant was, we will review some papers that have used ReHo, and attempt to apply the same steps to our own analysis. If you have already downloaded and processed the KKI data that we used for our previous tutorial on functional connectivity, we will be applying a slightly different variation to create our ReHo analysis stream - one which will, I hope, not include federal crimes or destroying property.

Running Current Through Your Brain Improves Performance, Not As Likely To Kill You As You Think

For many people placing a nine-volt battery on their tongue, like sex, can be a fun, exciting activity, sometimes resulting in death. Based on this observation, Reinhart and Woodman (2014) decided to turn the brain into an improvised battery by placing electrodes on different areas of the skull and zapping it with enough current to toast a frozen hotpocket. If this sounds insane to you, then you are obviously not a cognitive neuroscientist - as I have said before, we live for these kinds of experiments.

However, the researchers had good reasons for doing this. First of all, they are scientists, and they did not spend nine years on their doctorate only to justify themselves to the likes of you. Second, directly messing with brain activity can lead to valuable scientific insights, such as how much you have to pay an undergraduate to have them consent to turn their brain into a microwave oven. But third, and most important, delivering direct current through a pair of electrodes can increase or decrease certain patterns of neural activity - specifically, the error-related negativity (ERN) following an error trial.

The ERN is a negative deflection in voltage over the medial frontal lobes that correlates with behavior adjustment and error correction in the future. For example, if I commit what some narrow-minded, parochial individuals consider an error, such as asking out my girlfriend's sister, the larger my ERN is, the less likely I am to make that same mistake in the future. Similarly, with experiments such as the Stroop task, or any performance task, the larger the ERN after committing an error, the greater the probability of making a correct response on the next trial. Furthermore, whereas the ERN usually occurs immediately after the response is made, another related signal, the feedback related negativity (FRN) occurs once feedback is received. In sum, larger ERNs and FRNs generally lead to better future performance.

This is exactly what the experimenters manipulated when they sent current through the medial frontal area of the brain, corresponding to the dorsal anterior cingulate cortex (dACC) and supplementary motor area (SMA) cortical regions. The electrode over this area was changed to either a cathode (i.e., positively charged, or where the electrons flowed toward) or an anode (i.e., negatively charged, or where the electrons flowed away from). If the electrode was a cathode, the ERN decreased significantly, whereas if the electrode was an anode, the ERN significantly increased.

Figure 1 from Reinhart & Woodman (2014). Panels A and D represent the current distribution throughout the medial prefrontal cortex. B: Stop-signal task used in the experiment. A stop signal leads to a greater chance of screwing up, and the longer the delay between the cue and the stop signal, the more difficult it is to stop a response. This is what physicists and individuals with severe incontinence refer to as an "event horizon." C: Placement of Cathode or Anode on the medial frontal surface, along with a sham condition. Lower panel: Difference in ERN and FRN dependent on whether the fronto-medial electrode is an Anode or Cathode.

As interesting as these neural differences are, however, the real punch of the paper lies in the behavioral changes. Participants who had an anode placed over their cingulate and SMA areas not only showed greater ERN and FRN profiles, but also steep gains in their accuracy and improvements in reaction time. For regular trials which did not include a distracting stop signal, anode subjects were markedly faster than in the cathode and sham conditions, and in both regular and stop-signal trials, accuracy nearly reached a hundred percent.


Nor were these gains limited to the duration of the experiment; in fact, behavioral improvements could last as long as five hours after switching on the current. These results make for wild and reckless speculations about what could be done with this kind of setup; one could imagine creating caps for students which get them "juiced up" for exams, hats for the elderly to help them find their Mysteriously Disappearing Reading Glasses, or modified helmets for soldiers which allow them get even better at BSU (blowing stuff up). Because, after all, what's the use of a scientific result if you can't weaponize it?

More figures and results from experiments further extending and confirming their results can be seen in the paper, found here.

Reordering DICOM Files

Many grant cycles ago, an alert reader asked how to numerically reorder DICOM files that come from the scanner out of order. I said that I didn't know; but, not wishing to overtly display my ignorance, I kept it relegated to the comments section, away from the eye of public scrutiny.

However, another reader recently pointed out that this problem can be rectified by a script available on the UCSD website. Apparently DICOM files are generated in an out-of-order sequence by General Electric scanners (and possibly others) after an equipment upgrade. After a thorough investigation into why this was happening - why dozens, if not hundreds, of researchers were needlessly suffering from a hardware upgrade that was supposed to make their neuroimaging lives easier, not more difficult - the CEO of General Electric saw no alternative but to take action and jack up executive bonuses. We can all now rest easier.

The link to the script (which is in Perl) is here; I've also copied and pasted the script below, both to take away their Internet traffic, and to season this post with the flavor of programming rigor.

#! /usr/bin/perl
{
 use Shell;
 use Cwd; # module for finding the current working directory
$|=1;    # turn off I/O buffering

print "\n";

if ($#ARGV == -1) { # if no arguments are entered
 instructions(); 
print "\n";
}
else { # read in the arguments
 for ($j=0; $j<$#ARGV+1; $j++) {
  $tempdir = $ARGV[$j];
  chomp($tempdir);
  if ($tempdir eq "."){
   $tempdir = &cwd
  }
  opendir(DIR,$tempdir) or die "$tempdir does not exist or I can't open it\n"; # check the directories inputted
  closedir(DIR);
  @dirlist = $tempdir;
  foreach my $name (@dirlist) {
   &ScanDirectory($name);
   print "\n";
  } 
 }
}

sub ScanDirectory {
    my ($p) = 0;
 my ($workdir) = shift; 
    my($startdir) = &cwd; # keep track of where we began
 print "Processing Directory $workdir \n";
    chdir($workdir) or die "\nUnable to enter dir $workdir:$!\n";
    opendir(DIR, ".") or die "\nUnable to open $workdir:$!\n";
    my @names = readdir(DIR);
    closedir(DIR);
 $command = "mkdir backupimg";
 system ($command); 
    foreach my $name (@names){
        next if ($name eq "."); 
        next if ($name eq "..");
  next if ($name eq "backupimg");
        if (-d $name){                     # is this a directory?
            &ScanDirectory($name);
            next;
        }
  #do something with file
  if (grep(/\.MRDC\./, $name)){
   $p = $p + 1;
   $command = "cp $name backupimg/";
   system ($command); 
   $old_name = $name;
   $name =~ s/i(.*)\.MRDC\.(.*)/i\.CFMRI\.$2/;
   $num = "";
   $num = sprintf("%5d", $2);
   $num=~ tr/ /0/;
   $name = "i$num\.CFMRI\.$2";
   rename("$old_name", "$name") || die "Cannot rename $old_name: $!";
  }
  #done
    }
 print "     Directory $workdir has $p files processed \n"; # print size
 $command = "rm -rf backupimg";
 system ($command); 
    chdir($startdir) or die "Unable to change to dir $startdir:$!\n";
}

sub instructions {
print "This program renames and reorders the dicom files acquired on the GE scanners at UCSD - CFMRI.\n";
  print "Usage: imseq [directories to convert] \n";
  print "Example:  imseq directory1 directory2 directory3 \n\n";

  }

}

Diapsalmata

Out of the Files of a Psychologist

There is no hypothesis incredible enough, no argument weak enough, no idea ridiculous enough, that cannot be made palatable by its presentation. The enduring popularity of FMRI pictures attests to this. Thus the battle is won not by the men-at-arms, the wielders of the gun and the blade, but by the drummers, flag-bearers, and musicians of the army.

*

An acquaintance of mine once told me, with apparent self-satisfaction, that nothing offended him. I took this to mean that he had no deep-rooted beliefs, no worldview that mattered to him, no principles that he would defend or - more ridiculous still - even die for. What he was trying to advertise, in other words, was that he was uninteresting.

*

I abhor sentimentality, and I cannot forget that its name is pop culture.

*

One of the great errors of modern education is to mistake being well-read with being widely-read. There is no more irritating fellow than the one who blitzes through books (or, worse, online articles) as though they were something to be "got through," and then sits and expects wisdom to follow. The Greeks had a word for such learned fools: They were called sophomores.

*

If one were to ask me how to live, I would respond: Observe dogs at the park. Even a dog knows that play is nobler than work.

*

Ask any scientist why he is in this or that area of research, and, pushed for an answer, he will say "to help society," or possibly "to find the truth." But by this they always imply, consciously or not, that "success" is somewhere in the offing and sure to follow. Any observation of someone helping society or pursuing truth shows the opposite.

*

What one doesn't realize is that for something to be a fine art does not necessarily mean that it is fine, or even refined - merely that it is an end in itself (finis). The fine arts taught in our studios and universities, in other words, are useless; useless, however, in the best way possible.


*

The most sublime moment in all of art: The final dinner scene in Don Giovanni. Here the bow of feeling is stretched to its ultimate limit; here the dark theme from the overture reappears in all of its terrible glory; here Mozart at last brings all his musical artillery to the highest mountains of emotion, and need only fire blindly to inspire terror all around. The argument between Don Giovanni and the Commendatore - Don Giovanni as the impulse towards life, towards gratification of desire, eros personified, unwilling to surrender his hedonism and at last saying No, against the Commendatore's unyielding Yes. Have two words juxtaposed together ever been more pregnant with meaning?

The Hunt for the Paracingulate Sulcus

Within the disgusting recesses of your brain all of you have a cingulate sulcus: a deep groove that runs front-to-back along the medial sides of your hemispheres, just above he corpus callosum. You are neither interesting nor special if you have a cingulate sulcus - you are average.

However, there is a subset of individuals who have another groove running above and parallel to their cingulate sulcus. This additional groove is called the paracingulate sulcus, and it confers great honor upon its possessor. Before, all of you had a mere cingulate sulcus - but behold, I teach you the oversulcus; and those who overcome themselves are the bridge to the oversulcus.

As shown in the following video, the paracingulate sulcus is often readily visible, although I recommend using the sagittal and coronal slices to zero in on it; and to look about 15-20 millimeters anterior of the anterior commissure, and about 4-8 millimeters to the left and right of the longitudinal fissure. In particular, within the coronal section look for double invaginations stacked like pancakes. These folds correspond to the cingulate sulcus (ventral) and the paracingulate sulcus (dorsal). Furthermore, be aware that there are four possible combinations that you can see: Either there is no paracingulate sulcus; there is only one paracingulate sulcus, and it is either on the left hemisphere, or on the right hemisphere; or there are two paracingulate sulci, one on each hemisphere.

Regardless of whether a paracingulate sulcus makes you special or not, you may be wondering what the hullabaloo is all about; everyone's brain has some variability, you may say, and these differences wash out at a higher-level analysis. That may be true; but several experiments have also shown that the presence of a paracingulate suclus can significantly alter your results, as well as make the location of your results more uncertain (cf. Amiez et al, 2013). To remove these sources of variability, you can classify your subjects according to whether they are paracingulate-positive or not, and extract your beta weights from different regions of the medial prefrontal cortex.

I am doing an analysis like this right now, so feel free to follow me as I puzzle out how to apply this to my own dataset. I promise that the results will be, if not shockingly scandalous, at least spicy enough for your curiosity's appetite.


Removal of Physiological Noise from FMRI Data

A couple of weeks ago, as I wrapped up the series on resting-state analyses, one of my alert readers asked whether I would be willing to go through a demonstration of removing physiological artifacts - for example, breathing, heart rate, sweating, growth of nasal hair, etc. - in other words, all of those things necessary for life that nevertheless can interfere with FMRI analyses.

Unfortunately, I do not have any breathing or heart rate data available, so I cannot adequately demonstrate what this looks like. In fact, in this post I'm not even going to explain it very concretely; I'm simply going to describe what my comes to mind when someone talks about removing physiological signals - to take you by the hand and guide you through my thought process. This may leave you unsatisfied, and you may have legitimate quarrels with my reasoning. However, it is also an opportunity to show how I think through things, which you may find helpful when tackling your own problems, or when evaluating how much you should trust my explanations on other matters.

Let's say that we had just collected an FMRI dataset along with respiratory and heart rate data. My advisor then calls me to his office, and tells me to figure out how to remove these sources of variance from the neuroimaging data. Failure to do so will result in receiving a vasectomy with a weed-whipper. After considering several ways to leave graduate school and finally concluding that it would not be feasible, the first thing that would come to mind is how to model these additional data.

Keep in mind that everything that you collect in an imaging experiment - well, almost everything - can be modeled. When we talk about creating a model in FMRI, often we mean including our regressors of interest, and inserting other sources of variance, such as head motion, into the model as "nuisance" regressors. This is not always an apt distinction, as it matters what you are interested in, and how you intend to model your data. Typically we convolve our regressors of interest with a gamma-shaped waveform, because we assume that whatever area of the brain is sensitive to that condition or stimulus will show a corresponding wave in MRI signal. However, in the case of head motion, or nuisance regressors, we don't convolve these regressors with anything; we simply enter them into the model as they are, one value per timepoint. My first thought would be to do something similar with any respiratory or heart rate data, and possibly resample it to be on the same timescale as the neuroimaging data. A few options available within AFNI come to mind, such as 1dUpsample and the stim_files option in 3dDeconvolve, that would allow entering this physiological data into the model.

However, upon further research I find that there is a function specifically built for removal of such artifacts, 3dretroicor, and that cardiac and respiratory data can be entered separately or together. I then look into programs such as afni_proc.py, which can automatically generate the appropriate code to place this command where it belongs; and, notwithstanding reading up on the options within 3dretroicor and some of the original literature it is based on, my search is finished. I and my vas deferens can rest easily.

This may all seem an indirect, roundabout way of doing things; and you may say that it would be more efficient and straightforward to do an online search for the terms of my problem, to look through the AFNI message boards perhaps, and then be done with it. That is doubtless true is many cases. However, I would still have questions about what exactly is being done to the data at what step; and, in the present case, if the nuisance data is not being modeled, how it is being removed or filtered out of the imaging data. Then there are further issues about how this compounds with other processing steps, and what other precautions must be taken; and the list could go on. In any case, the user needs to know what is being done, and why.

For example, would there ever be any case where one would want to resample physiological data to the same timegrid as the imaging data, and remove it that way? Other physiological responses, such as galvanic skin response (GSR; broadly speaking, the amount of sweat secreted on the palms) can also be measured and inserted into a model, sometimes as parametric modulators if they are thought to capture any information beyond what the regressors provide; would this ever be appropriate in the case of breathing or heart rate measurements? Or does the slower periodicity of breathing and heart rate make only certain methods of modeling appropriate, but not others?

In the case of heart rate and breathing data, I can't say, because I haven't analyzed any; however, the question of what to do with it is an important one, and what is outlined above is a rough sketch of what I would think when presented with that problem. You can put away the weed-whipper now.

Viennese Waltz Dance Showcase

In my unending quest to become a quadruple threat - which, obviously, consists of being a neuroscience blogger, marathon runner, wedding pianist, and ballroom dancer - I recently did a Viennese Waltz showcase, which may look incredibly suave and sophisticated, or incredibly lame. I don't know. All I was focused on was not dropping my partner during any of the lifts, and wondering why there was a giant moose painted on the wall in the background. Maybe because it's called the Moose Lodge, silly. Did I say you could type anything on here? No, but if you're going to keep asking dumb questions, I might as well. Don't make me drop you.

Michelle, my stunningly beautiful partner, is the one who did all of the choreography, so if you want to know any of the moves, go bug her about it.



Music: So She Dances, by Josh Gropin'

Spring Break Decadence



Fellow neuroscientists, brainbloggers, and acolytes,

I will be gone for the rest of the week visiting Chicago to see the sights, run along the esplanade, dine sumptuously on porterhouse steaks and fine wines, attend La Clemenza di Tito, see Mitsuko Uchida in concert, view rare masterpieces on display at the Art Institute, spend long evenings at the Congress Plaza hotel dancing until the suede of my shoes become slick with wax, playing chess with fellow enthusiasts, and in general wallow in my own decadence. As a result I will not be thinking about anything whatsoever, and I will not be updating for a while.

However, next week I plan on applying the same resting-state template to FSL, since that seems to be what many are clamoring for; and, like many quick-study leaders of the free world, I live only to serve the whims and vicissitudes of the people. The same basics will be covered, just with a different platform and a slightly different technique, as well as the issue of transferring preprocessed datasets from AFNI for connectivity analyses in FSL. All will be covered, in time.

But first, Chicago. Laugh, my friends, and grow fat!

Andy's Brain Blog Advice Column: How to Make Yourself an Irresistible Applicant for Graduate School

In our modern times, obtaining an advanced degree is imperative for getting a good job. Whereas in the past merely completing the eighth grade qualified you for self-sustaining and socially acceptable jobs, such as crime boss, today those same academic credentials will probably shoehorn you into a crime boss chauffeur position at best. Nobody wants to graduate high school just to find that the only options available to them are menial, boring, "dead-end" jobs, such as chess grandmaster or porn star.

Because of this, increasing numbers of people are starting to attend graduate school to receive even more advanced training. For those of you who are not in graduate school - and you guys can trust me - I would describe this training as eerily similar to the kind of training that Luke Skywalker did on planet Dagobah in the Star Wars movies, including becoming fluent in pseudo-philosophical BSing, developing telekinetic powers to remove your car from snowdrifts, and carrying your adviser on your back whilst running through jungles and doing backflips. In fact, your adviser will even look and talk like Yoda, although there are important physical differences between the two, as shown here:



In addition to that, you will also become an expert in a specialized field, such as existential motifs in Russian literature, or the neural correlates of the ever-elusive default poop network. Paradoxically, however, even as one learns more abstruse and recondite information, many graduate school veterans have reported losing knowledge in such simple and rudimentary areas such as basic math, maintaining eye contact when talking to someone, and personal hygiene. Furthermore, for all of its emphasis on reading, graduate school can actually lead to the atrophy of normal reading skills, as one who reads nothing but scientific articles and technical manuals will, after a long period of immersion in his studies, find books dealing with actual human beings or fantastical creatures as bizarre and ridiculous, even hateful.

"I don't have time to read for pleasure anymore!" one of my colleagues once exclaimed. Partly this was a boast to bring attention to his laudable reading habits, at the expense of anything else that could possibly vie for his attention; partly to sound a note of despair, as I really believed that he hadn't read anything for pleasure in years, defined as something unrelated to his work or something that was, practically speaking, useless, but somehow pleasurable and, possibly, edifying. I once tested the strength of his claim by having him read the back of a Honey Nut Cheerios cereal box in order to use a series of clues to solve a riddle; after wrestling with this headbreaker for several hours, he finally gave up, utterly exhausted. (Although, to be honest, some of those puzzles can be pretty tough.)

But I digress. The fact is, there are legions of talented, motivated, eager young persons all applying to the same graduate programs that you desire, and there is simply no practical way to kill them all. To make yourself stand out, therefore, requires a superhuman amount of dedication, responsibility, work ethic, intelligence, charm, good looks, ruthlessness, and knowledge of advanced interrogation techniques - all qualities that you, quite frankly, don't have. Clearly, other methods are required. I'm not going to come right out and say things like "bribery," "blackmail," and "intimidation," but that's pretty much the gist of it. Perhaps you can even call in a favor or two from the local crime lord that you chauffeur around downtown Chicago.

However, if this kind of skullduggery just isn't to your taste, there are other ways to manipulate the thoughts and feelings of the admission committee to realize that you are, in fact, just the applicant that they are looking for. One underhanded way to worm yourself into their good graces is by working for several years or decades as a lab RA, which is an acronym that stands for "Indentured Servant." The way this works is that you literally beg a professor to work in their lab for free, for ten, twenty, even sixty hours a week. You need to make it clear that you absolutely, positively, swear-on-a-box-of-Honey-Nut-Cheerios need this position, and that you will kill for this professor, if necessary. Professors are used to getting these kinds of requests all the time, and in fact find it odd whenever somebody asks to work with them for something in return, such as money, recognition, or humane working conditions. By whatever means possible, do not fall into this "it's all about me" mindset! At this point remember that you are not even a graduate student yet, which, in the academia hierarchy, places you a couple of rungs below a Staph infection. If you are lucky, you will possibly get a letter of recommendation from the principal investigator, which you should expect to type yourself. Just remember to print your name correctly.

But, against all odds, let's assume that you have gained some experience, worked a few relevant jobs, carried out a few hits on your professor's enemies, and have finally been invited to a university for their graduate recruitment weekend. However, even after you have been invited to look around the campus and meet with the faculty, you will still need to have the street smarts to ace the interview.

Let us say, for example, that you have been invited to visit the Dwayne T. Fensterwhacker University of Fine Arts, Sciences, and Advanced Interrogation Techniques, and in particular that you are keen on working with distinguished professor Earl W. Gropeswanker. During the interview, you should be ready for curveball questions, such as the following:

DR. GROPESWANKER: Who is your favorite scientist?
YOU: That is a tough question, but a fair one, to which I reply, entirely of my own volition: Earl Gropeswanker.
DR. GROPESWANKER: Excellent answer. But surely, aren't there any other scientists whom you admire?
YOU: Well, let's see...Walter White, he was a scientist, wasn't he? He was pretty good. Same with Albert Einstein. The rest of them are scum.
DR. GROPESWANKER: You are hired on the spot.

Obviously you should be ready for tough questions on other topics, such as: How much do you respect, love, and admire the professor you are currently interviewing? Would you be willing to chauffeur this person around campus to meet with the heads of the other departmental families? How would you rate your capabilities as bodyguard, trafficker, and yegg? Once you have determined whether you can beneficially work with this person, you should be prepared to work with them for a long time, and to develop other talents and skills so numerous, that I suppose not all the books in the world could contain them. But that is another topic for another day.